the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
