i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Randomize
