That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
