We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
