I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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