she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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