what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
