when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
