My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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