she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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