Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
