You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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