We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
