I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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