Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
