dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
