thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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