i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
