Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
