Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
