I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
