She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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