I think I died a long time ago.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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