U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
