There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
