I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
