you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize