Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
