Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
