Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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