You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
