I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I didn't notice because vodka
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
