Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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