I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
