last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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