i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
