Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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