Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
high people should be assigned attendants
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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