At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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