i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
