I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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