Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
