i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
