The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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