Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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