If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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