Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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