and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
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