I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
