I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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